Pissed!

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I’m one of those people who is always seeking approval.  I get that from my parents.  Wait, that sounded like I get approval from my parents; I meant I inherited my need for approval from them.  It’s part of the reason I write this blog, and it’s a big part of the reason I cry myself to sleep when people don’t comment on my posts daily

Another gift I got from my parents is a mythology that, for better or worse, I have based my decisions and ultimately my life on.  You know, a belief that I’m special (not that kind of special), and that people will be my friend if I walk up to them and say, “Hi.  I’m Soupy, would you like to be my friend?”  They’ve given me faith that despite the fact it is easier to count the non-alcoholics in my extended family, that I don’t need booze to have a good time.  And also that cleanliness is next to Godliness, and by cleanliness, they mean piling shit up and throwing it in the garage when company was coming. 

The one belief that, as a kid, I came up with on my own was that I could clean the bathroom with my pee.  It worked wonders on any poo remnants that were tattooed to the bowl.  And I could easily control the water pressure from my hose (OVERSTATEMENT!) by flexing (OVERSTATEMENT!), okay contracting, my stomach muscles. 

 

Within a couple days of discovering the cleaning properties of urine, I had “cleaned” the toilet from top to bottom, even the hard to reach areas where it was bolted to the floor.  I “cleaned” the sink, and had started on the tub.

 

Boy, will Mom be surprised.

 

I walked in the door from the school bus and threw my backpack on the floor (next to a pile of shit that needed to be taken out to the garage).  “Hi Mom, I’m home.”

 

“I’m up here,” her voice came from the hall bathroom.

 

She probably wants to thank me.

 

She actually looked a little upset.  “Why does my bathroom smell like piss?”

 

“Because I cleaned it,” I boasted.

 

You’re welcome.

 

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6 Responses to “Pissed!”

  1. Kinda like writing your name in the snow…… oh yeah D…… E…..

  2. You know, urine actually has ammonia in it. So it can be used as a cleaning agent. I check Wikipedia on the matter just to confirm what I was thinking, and I found nothing.

    But what I did find was very interesting…
    1. Urine was used in WWI was used on masks to escape poisonous fumes.
    2. Urine is also used in times of war as an antiseptic.
    3. Urine can be used on jellyfish stings.
    4. Urine was used on wool back in the day to get the die to stick to it.
    5. Urine is used as a fertilizer.

    So you see, you were on to something. So tell you mom that pissing on things was genius. And we should all be walking around peeing on things.

    Also, I totally grew up with three brothers and I was constantly trying to master the art of peeing standing up even though I have a vagina. So my mom also dealt with pee all over everything in the bathroom.

    Moms are saints.

  3. Soupy,

    I answer your question tonight on my blog. Hop on over and sheck it out.

    Lifes Crazy Joke

  4. Thank you! You often write very interesting articles. You improved my mood.

  5. Hahahahaha! That’s awesome, man – props! Well, my good sir, I approve. ;)

  6. Happy New Years!! To my favorite blog, hopefully no tactical body armor is required with all those idiots shooting their automatic weapons along busy streets.