You Suck At Being A Store


Dear Whole Foods,

You suck at being a store.  You don’t stock half of the things I need, ensuring that I will have to make yet another stop on my way home.  The stuff you do carry seems to have been arranged by baboons with Asperger Syndrome who, incidentally forgot to tell any of your employees where the fuck they put anything.

With all the pomp surrounding your Grand Opening (don’t make me laugh), I assumed you were worth the wait.  The brands of food you do carry appeal only to the cunty women who expect cars to come to a stop when they set foot in a crosswalk, insist on parking their stupid little two tiered carts right in front of my seemingly invisible ass, and frown at the thought of choosing either a paper or plastic bag.

There is a troubling smell that lingers in your every corner.  It is the smell of meat, seafood, and cheese teetering on the edge of spoiledness, since all of the organic crap behind your counters has a shelf-life of about two hours.  It’s no wonder everything is so unreasonably priced, since much of it must go bad before you can sell it.

I hate you, and everytime I am inside of you I swear I will never do it again.  I’m sure I will be back, if for no other reason than to keep the fire of hatred burning in my belly (and my wife likes your rice dispensers).  I’ll be the guy wearing the ’I'd Rather Be Shopping At Wegmans’ tee shirt.



P.S.  After composing this letter, I went to Google Images to find a pic for the post, and found one (which I didn’t use) that was tied to a very interesting blog post revolving around Whole Foods’ CEO, John Mackey. Click here to read the article.  To be fair it’s from 2007, but still.

P.P.S.  At this point, I should probably mention that I am not the CEO of Wegmans, or any other supermarket, posing as a blogger just to slam the competition.



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One Response to “You Suck At Being A Store”

  1. I could devote an entire blog to this. I still go there cuz there are like three itens I just can’t get elsewhere but I do so under protest.