Another Soupy Sexpose – Trippin’ The Perv Switch
Representative Anthony Weiner is the latest in a long line of public figures to trip his perv switch. It would be very easy to moralize and exile him to the ancient cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, but I’d rather try to come to an understanding of what happened, if for no other reason to keep talking about this idiotic topic.
Okay first of all, whether we want to admit it or not, we were each born with an internal perv switch (guys, anyway). It is like a circuit breaker that can trip the moment that a sexual stimulus becomes just too intense to ignore or repress. And a response (usually a stupid one initiated by a brain deprived of blood flow) ensues. The sad and often tragic side of this is that although there is an obvious build-up to this tripping point, one never knows when it will happen; and is hard-pressed to stop it once the ball is rolling (or the camera for that matter).
There‘s no exercise one can do to strengthen his switch. In fact any type of attention will probably just weaken it. And although it is a surprise when the switch is finally and irrevocably tripped, I am about to take you on a journey into the male mind down the path to that shameful end.
First and foremost, you have to understand it is all about arousal. Getting aroused can be a tricky and fickle thing even if you are not a member of the Viagra or Cialis clubs. I compare getting aroused to getting high or drunk in two very important ways. First, depending on your personality it can be addicting. Secondly, and probably a more important distinction, you will build a tolerance to certain things. What I mean by this is that what excited you as a teenage boy probably won’t be enough to do the trick anymore. So to get that high – that arousal – you need to raise the stakes. And that’s where the perv switch first starts to feel the strain.
Here’s what happens when we follow this logic: As a boy of 12 or 13 you see a girl exposing quite a bit of cleavage. You become aroused; it’s exciting and it feels good. As you age and no doubt see more and more cleavage, it just doesn’t have the same effect on you. Now you need to see a nipple, which you find either in the pile of musty magazines that were in the woods we all seem to have grown up near, or nowadays – online. Soon, that’s not enough either.
As social beings we need to engage another human being. But feelings of shame associated with matters of sexuality creep in, so you settle for staring at a woman’s curves, maybe letting your stare linger long enough for her to catch you. Now it takes getting caught to get you aroused, and your dad’s Playboys are rendered useless. But soon that’s not enough anymore either, and you need to up your game. Looking isn’t cutting it anymore, and now you need to feel one. With or without permission. The path of least resistance when it comes to this is the ET (or Elbow Titty), which is an “accidental” grazing of a woman’s chest in such a way that you can apologize for your clumsiness; walk away with your “dignity” and erection fodder for later.
EDITOR’S NOTE: I realize I have gotten kind of off the track that most normal men seem to follow, and I am sure that growing up, at least three of you jumped off this train back at the magazines in the woods, and got a girlfriend and your perv switches are still very much intact. I am using somewhat extreme examples to illustrate how the more socially awkward guys, guys like a Representative Weiner, or countless priests and dentists, get to the point they do.
Okay back to the story. Let’s face it, the Elbow Titty can be exciting to a kid, but it just doesn’t have any real “gravitas.” Your actions have to be more intentional from this point on. I was at a friend’s 40th birthday party recently, everyone was dancing, and a woman at the party (who was rather busty) was approached by a drunken guy at the bar. His perv switch had definitely seen better days, and he said, “I like your boobs,” to which she replied, “My boobs?” I’m not sure if he was expecting a response from her or if his admission alone was enough for him, but he responded, “No, your boots,” acting as though she must have misheard. She hadn’t misheard, nor did her huge husband when she told him about it.
Which brings me to my next point.
The perv switch can and will get you in trouble when it trips. Obviously in the case of Anthony Weiner, his career may be ruined along with his marriage, but in the case of the drunk guy at the bar, you could be in danger of getting your ass kicked. But neither of these scenarios occur to you at the time because you are chasing that high, and presumably much of your blood has evacuated your brain and has been rerouted to more southerly climes. See I don’t think it was Weiner’s ego that caught up to him; I don’t think he thought he would never get caught. I actually think he was powerless to stop it once it started, and while in the throes of it, he had a singular focus. He was the proverbial hunter.
With the advent of the internet and its perceived anonymity, perv switches are no doubt being tripped at an alarming rate. Cell phones with cameras are willing accomplices in the hands of sexting men and women alike. It’s sort of ironic people use scientific and technological advances to satisfy our more primal and animalistic urges.
So @RepWeiner, you are not alone, but due to most people’s shame and feigned indignation, you will be made to feel that way for at least a little while. Until a hurricane knocks your story out of the news cycle for good. Or until the next jackass does something even more stupid.