Enough About The Vuvuzelas


Foreigners are weird. They talk funny, they eat bizarre foods, and they smell bad. We know this; we’ve actually known this for some time. And anyone who’s ever watched European Gladiators is familiar with just how strange they can be as spectators at pseudo sporting events. So if a bunch of South Africans find a zero – zero tie, 87 minutes into a match, so boring that they need to entertain themselves by producing the most annoying buzzing sound they can muster, who am I to discourage them. Or to be the least bit surprised.

But it seems there is another piece of plastic displacing the vuvuzela (pronounced vzzzzzzzzzzzzz) at the South African World Cup venue.  It’s name, the Rape-axe, is much easier to pronounce.  And while I tended to believe the perception that we, Americans were the violent, sexually repressed, and therefore perverse bunch, it seems they have a bit of a rape problem north of the Cape of Good Hope.

TENUOUSLY RELATED INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: If only there were a group of people — whose barbaric violent tendencies, and own sexual repression compelled them to drape their women in cloth from head to toe, who maybe fly planes into buildings — to make us feel better about ourselves.

Back to the Rape-axe.  Developed by Dr. Sonnet Ehlers, this female condom-type apparatus (which she originally named the Roethlisgrabber) doesn’t just capture and store the assailant’s valuable biological information, it will actually latch on to the perp’s trespassing boner, transforming the victim’s vagina into a veritable penis fly trap.  Now I’ve never been raped (from the front), but I gotta believe that having my rapist still attached to me would add to the trauma.  I think I would just want to slink away for a vigorous yet somewhat somber shower.

I also think a rapist, who just might already have an anger issue or two, might start getting pissed that he hasn’t gotten his dick back.  I imagine he’s got shit to do; maybe take a shower of his own, or just be somewhere else when the authorities arrive.  I would think his patience level would at least be getting a little low.  And no matter how you slice it, it doesn’t really bode well for the rapee.  Speaking of slicing, what if the apparatus were to accidentally sever the attacker’s member (I guess the Rape-axe could be called a Member’s Only jacket #They’reNotAllGems)?  Maybe it’s just me, but I’m thinking being raped is far less traumatic than having to remove a detached penis from your vagina.  But like I said, I’ve never been raped before.

In an unrelated story, the NCAA Lacrosse Championships will not be held in Johannesburg next year due to players refusal to travel there.

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3 Responses to “Enough About The Vuvuzelas”

  1. Now that’s some funny shit Soupy! I spit out my coffee when I read the penis fly trap reference.

  2. Errmm, without sounding picky, you referenced them draping their women in cloth, and flying planes into buildings – this originates in the Middle East.

    The World Cup was held in South Africa. Not only a different country, but a different continent.

    • Perhaps that could have been written more clearly. I was not referring to South Africans, or Africans at all, when writing that. It was more an italicized peek into my head, sarcastically wishing for someone, ANYONE, worse than an American when it comes to sexual repression and violence. I was indeed referring to Middle Easterners in general, and the “Nation” specifically. Thanks for reading and commenting. I am not used to people reading so carefully, and will henceforth endeavor to raise my game.

      Yours in Christ,