Flotsam & Jetsam

Flotsam & Jetsam

This is a story about a girl I dated in elementary school. Maybe “dated” isn’t exactly the right word. We “went out” with each other, which when you’re 13 in suburban Philadelphia in 1982 meant that you publicly professed your “like” for one another, got achingly jealous if you saw her talking to another boy, and it was certainly understood that you would rate each other a “10″ whenever a list of classmates got passed around for you to judge everyone’s appearances. At least that’s what would have happened. But she wasn’t in my class. She was actually in the 6th grade.

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The Dan Band

The Dan Band

You know them from The Hangover. You loved them in Old School. Ladies and Gentleman, The Dan Band.

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Fun ‘N Games

Fun ‘N Games

The “Game of Life” and “playing cards” were the beginning and the end of the list of the 2010 inductees into the National Toy Hall of Fame. Located in Rochester, New York, this hallowed ground of “all things fun” is also home to such endorphin-releasing gadgets as the ball (inducted in 2009), and the stick (yes, I said stick. And not a smooth rounded stick either; I’m talking about a branch), a 2008 inductee. In case you are wondering, the cardboard box is a member of the Hall’s 2006 class. I don’t know about you guys, but I think I could spend a week there one night.

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“Father, Forgive Them.  They Know Not What They Do.”

“Father, Forgive Them. They Know Not What They Do.”

“Absolutely it meant something,” Donovan McNabb’s father remarked of the timing of his son’s trade to the Redskins which went down on Easter Sunday 2010. “We were celebrating Jesus’ resurrection, right? Then we turn around and Donovan gets resurrected. Just perfect.”

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Like A Good Neighbor…

Like A Good Neighbor…

I was in an accident two weeks ago. It was a pretty minor one, but I just got my car back today. I’m not blaming the body shop; it takes a while to get parts for a 2001 Volvo station wagon (bragging). And much of the damage was to the front end, so I had to wait for a new little headlight windshield wiper thingie (bragging again). Also the fender was a bit smashed, and the bumper was hanging off.

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Comment Challenge X

Comment Challenge X

Okay, I officially need a Twitter intervention. I’m addicted. Everytime the thought occurs to me that I need to update this site, maybe post something hilarious, I think anything over 140 characters just seems like too much work. There are definitely some funny things in store for TeeShirtSoup in the very near future. In the meantime, I need your help. I found this over on comedian @colinkane’s Twitter page, and decided to steal it for here.

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Roast In Peace

Roast In Peace

Greg Giraldo, the frenetic, caustic, brilliant comic succumbed to his demons yesterday, and embarked on the one trip where you can truly leave your baggage behind. He was one funny fucker, and the Comedy Central Roasts won’t be the same.

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‘Tis The Season

‘Tis The Season

This is the time of year when we typically find that while some campaign contributions go towards getting the candidates message out (broadcasting television ads, etc.), most go to private investigators and staffers to dig up as much dirt as they can on an opponent.  I noticed a break from that trend of mudslinging this year, but candidates [...]

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I Can Be Your Hero, Baby

I Can Be Your Hero, Baby

I heard a commercial for a new male enhancement product during today’s morning commute.  It’s name, Hero Tabs, was presumably the idea of a “Rah Rah HR guy.” Be a hero!  Please your lady everytime.  Just not in the workplace. Anyway, according to this commercial (which I wish I could find for you guys, but here’s [...]

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Knoebels:  The Good,

Knoebels: The Good,

  ALTERNATE TITLE:  The Sound And The Fury, Book 2 Nestled in the bosom of Pennsylvania, lies Knoebels — an old fashioned amusement park and campground that was described to me as quaint and “cheap as hell.”  I was all in, and so was my sister and her family and our friends and their children. [...]

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Knoebels: The Bad And The Ugly

Knoebels: The Bad And The Ugly

The banjo music that I heard was either off in the distance or in my head. And it weren’t no Roy Clark ner Buck Owens good-time Hee Haw banjo pickin’ neither (no Misty Rowe or Gunilla Hutton sittin’ on bales of hay slapping their knees to the tune).  No, it was a haunting, uneasy kind of [...]

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Inception

Inception

I had a dream last night that my big toe was very upset with me because he didn’t have a name. “You mean like my penis’ name is Reginald Johnson?” I asked. “No, Shit-for-brains,” he shot back, “like your fingers have names.  Thumb, pinky, index finger, the bird.  Get it?” “Oh.” Awkward silence. “Well just so you [...]

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Comment Challenge IX:  Jamie Moyer

Comment Challenge IX: Jamie Moyer

Less than three years shy of the semi-centennial anniversary of his birth, Jamie Moyer’s arm seems to be defying the odds.  And it would appear in a preemptive strike against the inevitable steroid rumors, the Philadelphia Phillies have released the photo below apparently taken just after Jamie’s round of estrogen injections, and subsequent breast implant surgery. Please [...]

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Enough About The Vuvuzelas

Enough About The Vuvuzelas

Foreigners are weird. They talk funny, they eat bizarre foods, and they smell bad. We know this; we’ve actually known this for some time. And anyone who’s ever watched European Gladiators is familiar with just how strange they can be as spectators at pseudo sporting events. So if a bunch of South Africans find a zero [...]

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A Tale

A Tale

I used to love getting letters when I was a kid.  I loved getting any kind of mail actually, and since I shared my father’s name, I got some pretty interesting shit — especially the magazines in the plain brown wrappers. But I digress. Even as a child, I recognized the following line in a letter [...]

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