Original Sin


Here’s a question I’ve never heard a reasonable answer to, at least from anyone who believes in the Bible’s literal story of creation:

So who slept with Eve, her son Cain or her son Abel?

Somebody had to, right? I mean we’re all here now, somebody had to have slept with her. And that certainly seems like a more suitable Original Sin than eating a juicy apple. Certainly more worthy of a cleansing ritual like Baptism. Who knows, maybe that’s the real reason Cain killed Abel.

(Read the next line in a hacky comic’s voice)  I think it would have gone a little something like this:  Cain is holding a rock over Abel ready to bring it down on his brother’s head, and Abel is pleading with him, “Are you mad because my sacrifice was so much more pleasing to God than yours?” 

Cain looks at him thoughtfully, “Maybe. Or maybe because you fucked Mom.”

Or Abel just keeps bragging about it, like:  “Man, I’m so tired today, I was up fucking Mom so late last night…”  or “That reminds me of something Mom said last night when I was fucking her…”  or “You know that thing Mom does while you’re fucking her?  Oh I guess you don’t.”  And Cain just finally reached his breaking point.

I think I found the Garden of Eden, and it’s in West Virginia.

I’m actually one of those guys who thought that creationism and evolution could co-exist. After all, evolution doesn’t try to explain how we all got here (and it doesn’t require incest at all), just how we developed after that. Now I’m not sure we all came from apes, I espouse a slightly more radical theory. For example, I believe that there is a school of fish somewhere, perhaps even in the Hudson River, who are very proud of Billy Joel’s career. And I have seen more than a few older ladies who have to be descendents of chickens and cats.

I always feel the need to remind everyone after a post like this that I don’t claim to have ALL the answers, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable running for public office or establishing a new church or anything like that. I’m just trying to entertain and educate, that’s my one purpose in this life.

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