A Letter From God


Dear People of Earth,

Sorry, I’m not sure what else to call you; and “humans” or “mortals” sounds so condescending.  I chose this forum to contact you because, contrary to popular belief, I am not comfortable speaking to large groups, and there are a couple items I really feel like I need to address. 

The first is the notion that a lot of you seem to have that if something feels good, it must be wrong.  That couldn’t be further from the truth, but I suppose that’s what I get for choosing the Jews to spread my message.  Take sex for example.  I purposely made that feel good so you wouldn’t mind doing it.  I can’t very well keep creating people from dust, or cloning them from the stem cells surrounding a man’s rib.  I need your help to populate the planet, and I suck at making a convincing belly button.  So sue me if I made the process enjoyable.  (PS  Thanks for inventing birth control.  I really didn’t account for the increase in stupidity with each new generation).

I also took the liberty of making things that you aren’t supposed to do painful, like closing your finger in a vise and anal sex.

That leads me to the other issue I want to discuss.  I am not testing you.  I didn’t fill the world with temptations to try to trip you up.  (That really makes me sound like a dick, by the way)  In fact, I tried to make things easy for you.  Believe me, I get enough shit from my sisters for being so “ambitious and narcissistic” (their words) to think I could fill my planet with humans.

My one sister, Sadie just has flowers and unicorns on her planet.  She has to intercede a lot because she didn’t want to have bees for fear they would sting the unicorns.  Consequently, there is no vehicle for pollenation.  I’ve tried explaining to her that what I’ve created here is an intricate eco-system, but she just responds by putting her hands over her ears and shouting, “Blah, blah, blah.”

My other sister Luci, whom you know by a host of other names, is slightly more “goth,” or I guess you would call her “emo.”  Her planet is dark and craggy, and colder than most of you would probably think.  She spends most of her time collecting the souls of those people who have passed on Earth who thought life here wasn’t fair — basically anyone who has a complaint about me, just so she can rub my face in it.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I tried to give you the best gift I could think of: YOUR LIFE.  So don’t wish it away on the mortal promise of an afterlife.  Look around, be excited, there are a lot of things for you to experience.  Trust me, you don’t want to spend eternity with Luci.  I can take her for about five minutes, ten tops.  And I’m pretty patient.



PS  There aren’t little houses in Heaven.  And the reason you are here, since I know a lot of you are wondering, is to not make me look stupid while I try to prove to my sisters that I knew what I was doing.


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One Response to “A Letter From God”

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