TeeShirtSoup.com Presents: Asshole or Not An Asshole?

Man, I feel bad for black people. I’m feeling dangerously close to “reparations bad.” First, they get the shortest month of the year to celebrate their culture’s achievements throughout history. Then, the first black President is not the dignified Colin Powell or Condoleezza Rice, but rather the Chicago thug Barack Obama. And now, now their month has been hijacked. Now they have to share Black History Month with Heart Health Month. Unbellievable!

I was going to start “I Hate You Month” this month, but how could I? How could I too glom on to February? So I decided to just use the panel I had for “I Hate You Month,” and just make them candidates for “Asshole or Not An Asshole?” So here we go.

Tennessee Tuxedo

Albert Arnold Gore, you big alarmist queen. Granted, you invented the Information Super-Highway, and for that we will be forever in your debt, but your goddamn Chicken Little routine is getting a bit tired.

While you were Vice-President, we learned about something called Y2K. I don’t know how involved you were in making sure the American public was suitably panicked, but given your track-record since, I’m sure you were waist deep in it. Since Y2K never really lived up to the hype, I’ll remind you what was supposed to happen. At midnight, December 31, 1999, as the year rolled over to double zero, every computer in the world would believe that it was 1900 (not 2000), and suddenly disappear since there were no computers in 1900. Pacemakers would stop working, garage doors would go up and down randomly, and since none of us were around in 1900 either we would slowly start to fade away a la Marty McFly in 1955 Hill Valley before he got Lorraine and George back together. Well thanks to the dilligent work of IT guys and the time space continuum, none of that happened.

But you still wanted the sky to fall, didn’t you Al? So you used your first invention (the internet) to spread the word about your second invention–Global Warming. This will keep your name in the ears and on the tongues of Americans even though you lost (and you did lose) the Presidential Election in 2000, won’t it? Well your theory is missing something. It doesn’t account for the big yellow shining ball of light, heat, and energy in the center of our galaxy. It’s amazing how during cycles of high solar activity, temperatures on our planet (the third one from this mysterious glowing orb) rise, and during periods of low solar activity (like now, when people “in tha ‘D” are wondering what the hell happened to all the global warming they were promised) temperatures drop. What do you know?

Now it seems he’s given up trying to warn adults, and has taken to scaring our children like some creepy uncle, when he addressed a group of 12 year olds this week on the dangers of global warming. But wait, it does appear congratulations are in order, Al. Global Warming looks like it could be an Earth-Killer after all. With all of the environmental legislation, Green initiatives, and CAFE standards for the auto industry, Global Warming may very well be on it’s way to crippling America’s economy. Way to go, I guess. I know how I feel about Tipper’s irrelevant husband, but I have to ask…

Al Gore: Asshole or Not An Asshole

I certainly hope my post preceding that question was not too biased. Hey, no offense Al.

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