Scattered Thoughts

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I find it a little ironic and hypocritical that many of the world’s Churches have come out (no pun) against gay marriage, yet all of these same Churches’ histories are steeped in a rich “oral tradition.”

Okay, when someone says, “No pun intended,” I think that’s a lie, because in order to say that, they had to recognize the pun and then decide to not find another un-punny way to say it.  Therefore, it is intended, even if only lazily.

I wonder how many “murder-suicide pacts” between husbands and wives end up as just “murder-run away to Mexico pacts.”  You know, you shoot your wife, and as you are turning the gun on yourself you start thinking, “You know, my problems aren’t really all that bad.  And I have that podiatrist appointment on Thursday.”

Here’s a scene involving everyone’s favorite eco-friendly vehicle, the Smart Car:
A group of 10 people are standing outside an office building, deciding how to get to their lunch meeting.
Lois the Liberal: I can take a slender person in my Smart Car.
Joe the Conservative: Okay, Nicole Richie will go with you, and I’ll take the rest in my Escalade EXT. It sure beats everyone firing up their own cars, polluting the air with all that carbon.
Jill the Bystander: Hey I have an idea, what if people who work together and live near one another rode to work together every day in the same car.
Lois the Liberal: I can take a slender person in my Smart Car.

Here’s a quote from a radio commercial …”Five words. You won’t beat our deals!”  I swear I have some sort of OCD that compels me to count the words.  I repeat them in my head and count them on my fingers.  And I’ll tell you what, I always expect the announcer to be wrong.  Like that’s not the first thing they check when they proofread the commercial copy, douchebag.  Please tell me I’m not alone.

“I know it looks like a microphone, but that’s actually my organ.”
– Soupy

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3 Responses to “Scattered Thoughts”

  1. I’m sure you could beat their deals somewhere. They’re salespeople ya know.

    PS: I don’t really count words much, I count floor tiles though, which in some ways is more weirdified to the outside world.

  2. Soupy,

    I’m not sure how to comment to you as this is my first attempt.

    I live in a fairly large population of Mormons. I want to invite a couple over to dinner but I am not certain what to serve! What do they drink and eat? What topics are suitable to discuss? What should my wife and I wear? What does LDS stand for?

    Damn (or Darn), I wish I was more worldly!

    Stuntman4

  3. Stuntman4,

    Great work on the comment! As far as I can tell all of your words made it through. I can’t be 100% sure since I don’t know exactly what you wrote on your end, but everything seems to make sense.

    As for your questions: Congratulations on your choice of neighborhood. There are far worse neighbors a man can have than Mormons. I used to live outside of Phoenix among a large population of Mormons as well, and perhaps that is the reason I feel so qualified to answer your questions.

    I know that Mormons will not eat the meat of an animal that had whiskers, in deference to Jesus’ moustache and beard. For beverage, they prefer Jolt cola, Mountain Dew or Red Bull and Vodka, preferably Stoli.

    Now for the fun part, Mormon men LOVE discussing their wive’s bodies… what it looked like when they first met, and how it looks after 6 or eight children. They are also big fans of Hitler (yes, that Hitler) so anything favorable you can say about him will go a long way.

    Your wife should wear what she feel comfortable in. I suggest that you wear 2 pair of underwear or an athletic supporter underneath a thick pair of pants like jeans or something. It is customary for Mormon guests (men and women) to grab the host’s penis as they enter the home.

    And I apologize, but I do not know what LDS stands for. I think it’s a pulmonary disease. Lung Dialation Syndrome, maybe?