“I Thought You’d Be Bigger”

Every year hundreds of bad movies get greenlighted, made and distributed, and many good movies also make it to our local theaters. But the movies I want to talk about come around far less frequently, and they’re the ones you can’t flip past when you’re channel surfing. I’m talking about the rare gem of the celluloid world — the movies that are so ridiculously bad that they’re good. I love these movies. Everytime I see one, I wanna see another one, or watch the same one again, I don’t care, they’re that entertaining. And you’ll always catch something that you didn’t notice the last time you saw it.

Perhaps the flagship for this burgeoning film category is Roadhouse. I guess the script was written at the height of bouncer popularity by, no doubt, a bouncer (excuse me, cooler. I guess there is some sort of hierarchy). This movie had a profound effect on me. If I was ever attacked, I knew I was going to use Dalton’s kick to the side of the knee move. And it was amazing how Dalton’s serenity, juxtaposed with the chaotic environs of the Double Deuce, was able to win out. I guess it had alot to do with his rules for his bouncers, but they were so much more than that. They are a life philosophy.

Rule 1. Never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected.
Rule 2. Take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it’s absolutely necessary.
Rule 3. Be nice… until it’s time not to be nice.

Of course, eventually he would require the help of his Yoda, Sam Eliot, who apparently taught Dalton everything he knew about Cooling. I think my favorite aspect of the movie is that Dalton not only felt responsible for keeping order in the Double Deuce, but also the whole town.

When the movie Showgirls came out, I wanted to see it. It got such horrible reviews, and I was busy and I just never did. Anyway, it came out on video and people at my work were saying it was so bad, it was good. That’s all I needed to hear. I remember being worried that I would actually like it, but that fear slipped silently away within minutes when Elizabeth Berkely’s character pulls a switchblade on a guy who picks her up hitchhiking to Vegas. I found a doctored up version of the scene on YouTube (they basically added a laff-track), but you can still see the ridiculousness of it.

Nomi Malone (Berkely’s character) makes it to Vegas and gets a part as a chorus girl until she pushes the star of the show (Gina Gershon) down the stairs, then Nomi not only becomes the star of the show, but quite possibly the brightest light in the Las Vegas sky. She goes to see the recovering Gershon, and instead of being pissed, Gershon confides that she would have don the same thing. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.

And is there anyone who can turn off The Warriors? For those of you who haven’t seen it, there is this gang leader Cyrus, who calls for a giant gang convention in NYC. I think he wants to get organized and put an end to violence among the different gangs. Anyway, as you would think he gets shot, and wrongfully blamed is the ragtag street gang from Coney Island — the Warriors. Now they gotta make it back home before they get killed (because for some reason, they can’t get killed if they make it back home. Their turf = base). Along the way, they encounter some crazy gangs (my favorite is the Baseball Bunch, or something like that), who try to prevent them from their destination. All the while, their odyssey’s progress is broadcast by a huge lipped black woman over some mystical radio. I don’t want to ruin it for you, but they do make it home and ironically the Rogues, who actually did kill Cyrus, are hot on their heels.

I’ll bet more of you are familiar with that scene than have seen the movie. And yes, that is Deborah van Valkenburg (aka Jackie Rush from the hit sitcom Too Close For Comfort).

Like I said, I love these movies. I cherish them and I am always looking for new ones. Please comment below with your favorites or email me at [email protected]

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5 Responses to ““I Thought You’d Be Bigger””

  1. i would one day like to perform dalton’s move where he rips someone else’s heart out–my victim would be tom cruise (really, when did he get so damn annoying)

  2. Haha. If I promise to wear my boot with the knife in the toe, can I help. I’ll bet in no time, Tom Cruise will be hiding in the chicken wire cage with Jeff Healey.

  3. When is Tom Cruise’s next movie coming out? I’ve seen them all and can’t wait for the next one!

  4. Great post! I really love your nice blog! I also commented at your other post that I thought was awesome.

  5. Be sure I´ll be back. Found this great blog by searching for far and away tom cruise