Happy Presidents’ Day

Just a light-hearted look at all the crazies who succeeded and failed in their attempts to assassinate the President of the United States.

First, the winners:

John Wilkes Booth (killed Abraham Lincoln) – Booth was a member of a prominent acting family and a popular actor of the day. He was also a Confederate sympathizer who thought killing the president would help the South win the war they had just lost 4 days prior. Now I don’t condone assassinating Presidents, but it is nice to see an actor put his money where his mouth is when it comes to their political views.

Charles J. Guiteau shot and eventually killed James Garfield, only 4 weeks after he took office. He died 11 weeks later due to infections caused by substandard medical care. At this point, Michael Moore would point out that he may have lived had he been the President of a country with a good healthcare system, like Cuba or Canada.

Leon Czolgosz shot and killed President William McKinley twice. He shot him twice, only killed him the one time. Apparently McKinley had made a disparaging remark about his attacker’s last name.

Joe Pesci and Tommy Lee Jones effectively framed Lee Harvey Oswald, a Marxist Leninist (hey, I know one of those), for the murder of John F. Kennedy in Dallas in 1963. Keep in mind he was a Kennedy, so he probably would have died prematurely anyway.

And the losers:

Richard Lawrence, a house painter, aimed two pistols at Andrew Jackson. Both misfired, one from 13 feet, the other from point-blank range. It’s rumored that Jackson simply put his finger in the barrel of the second gun.

John Schrank shot Theodore Roosevelt in the chest after he had left office and was running again as a member of the Progressive party. A folded speech and a metal glass case slowed the bullet enough for Roosevelt to take time to deliver the speech before going to the hospital. Not wanting to suffer the same fate as McKinley, who died while they were operating to remove the bullet, opted to leave his bullet in.

Two Puerto Rican pro-independence activists tried to kill Franklin Roosevelt. He was unharmed, ironically saved by the hubcaps on his wheelchair.

Samuel Byck planned to kill Richard Nixon by flying a commercial jet into the White House. Apparently there are no new ideas in Hollywood or al-Qaeda. Anyway, when the plane wouldn’t take off, Byck shot the pilot, co-pilot and then himself.

Squeaky Fromme, a Manson family member pulled a Colt .45 on Gerald Ford when he went to shake her hand in a crowd. So much for peace and love. Ford would have been safe anyway, because he tripped and fell as she was levelling the gun at him.

Raymond Lee Harvey (never stood a chance with that name) was arrested at a Jimmy Carter speech for possessing a pistol. He told authorities that he and anoother man were supposed to create a diversion so Mexican snipers could kill Carter. Charges were dismissed for lack of evidence. It turns out the Mexican hitmen arrived at the speech, but a half hour late throwing off the whole plan.

John Hinckley Jr. shot President Ronald Reagan at the command of Jodie Foster. Reagan survived, making jokes at the hospital. Apparently he always got Foster and Tatum O’Neal mixed up, and Jodie and Hinckley had just had enough.

14 Iraqis under the command of one Saddam Hussein smuggled a car bomb into Kuwait as George H. W. Bush was speaking at Kuwait University. Since he is still alive, I can only assume the plan failed somehow.

Frank Eugene Corder took a page out of Samuel Byck’s playbook and tried to fly a single engine plane into the White House in an attempt to kill Bill Clinton. It crashed onto the lawn. Hahaha.

Robert Picket took shots in the direction of the White House from outside the perimiter of the wrought iron fence. President George W. Bush was unscathed.

Have a nice holiday.

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8 Responses to “Happy Presidents’ Day”

  1. McKinley was shot in Buffalo during the Pan American Exposition (World Fair) in 1901…


  2. I actually enjoyed this. It has helpful dialog. Happy I searched for “american buffalo” today. Thanks, I’m not disappointed.

  3. Hey man , thanks for writing but this page is hard to read when using Internet Explorer it is is overlapping.

  4. Just killing some in between class time on Digg and I found your entry. Not typically what I like to learn about, but it was absolutely worth my time. Thanks.

  5. While I am not a liberal, I did vote for Obama and I sincerely hope that he turns around and does what is best for the country and the majority of it’s citizens. Moore is right about Obama using what he has while he has it. The Republicans have found a common enemy for themselves and a good portion of the whites in America, and that enemy is Obama. They couch it in several terms, but it all boils down to racism. I never thought I’d live to see white Americans revert to racial attitudes that I thought were dead, but we can’t deny what has happened. I remember my Dad and uncles changing partys back in the 60s because of the Civil Rights Act, and I remember why. It’s the “southern stratagy” all over again, but this time on a national scale. It makes me sick to hear people who I thought were open-minded Christians say the things they say. It makes me ashamed to be considered one of them.

  6. Your web site is brilliant I will have to read it all, thank you for the diversion from my professors!

  7. Excellent read, I just passed this onto a colleague who was doing a little research on that. And he actually bought me lunch because I found it for him smile So let me rephrase that: Thanks for lunch!

  8. I love reading and I am always searching for informative information like this! You are bookmarked!. . . . . .