Conspiracy Theory Friday

Hold on to your hats and pull your socks up before I blow them off with these two doozies (sp?). Neither involve our government, unless you count the U.S. National Weather Service. And neither make mention of secret societies like the Illuminati or Skull & Bones, who were just incidentally sued for stealing the Apache leader, Geronimo’s bones. George W. Bush’s grandfather was supposedly involved with the grave robbing, which is why I assume it made headlines. But I digress.

Sometimes we hear things enough times that we cease questioning them. That is precisely the case with my first theory. It involves the oft-mentioned Wind Chill Factor. I contend that we are being convinced that it feels colder than it actually does. Follow my logic (it’s pretty simple): Thermometers measure the temperature, temperature is affected by such things as sun and wind, so wouldn’t a thermometer exposed to the wind already be accounting for the effect of the wind. Meteorologists are double-dipping, and they’ve been double-dipping us for years.

But that’s just the beginning. I was watching the news last night, and immediately after the weather report, they went to commercial, and guess what, it was a commercial for Burlington Coat Factory. Coincidence? I’m sure they’d like us to believe that. Strike that, I’m sure they wouldn’t want us to even make the connection. Well too bad, Al Roker. Soupy’s in the house.

Damn, I’m so fired up right now, I’m thinking about keeping my other theory for another day. No, I promised you two, so here you go. I am becoming increasingly convinced that the goofy names of the merchandise at IKEA are not Swedish words at all. I think IKEA execs get new products in and they sit in a boardroom, get high and name the shit. I’ll give you some examples:

Coat hangers = Bumerang (now I know a hanger can resemble a boomerang, but it doesn’t make it Swedish. I can picture hangers flying all around the offices on the day they named that one. It has been 0 days since the last workplace accident)

Alarm clock with a prominent Snooze button = Slabang. (You know, when the alarm goes off, you Slabang it.).

The alarm clock’s quieter cousin with one arm longer than the other = Ticka (Are you convinced they’re just making these words up yet?)

Spatula = Skrapa (you know, cause you skrapa your food outta the pan)

And perhaps my favorite,
Bathroom Light = Fartyg (or Farty-G, as I’m sure it was pitched)

I have several calls into Anders Dahlvig, Ikea’s CEO, as well as numerous emails. I wonder if he is even aware of what’s been going on.

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7 Responses to “Conspiracy Theory Friday”

  1. Oh come on. Next thing you will be telling me is that Frusen-Glaje is not a real word. What? It was a made up marketing term? At least it doesnt mean Bite the Wax Tadpole in Chinese (Coca Cola). Remember, nothing sucks like an electrolux.

  2. Wow, all my furniture is from IKEA…I guess I’ve been ripped off by phony names haha. And that coat company advertising during COLD weather…thats mighty sketchy there. It’s not like its good market economics or anything. Of course its a conspiracy!

  3. Exactly! Scandalous, isn’t it?

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  6. I was scanning something else about this on another blog. Interesting. Your linear perspective on it is diametrically opposed to what I read before. I am still pondering over the diverse points of view, but I’m inclined heavily toward yours. And irrespective, that’s what is so good about modern-day democracy and the marketplace of thoughts on-line.

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