Are You Checking Out My Package?

So, less than a week has passed, and I believe I’ve come up with a second equally viable stimulus package. What can I say, I’m a thinker.

My plan is based on the following (3) assumptions:
1. Politicians, preachers, pimps, and pornographers are just different versions of the same guy.
2. Although there is some argument to exactly how much money the adult industry generates annually, pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry.
3. Perhaps the only thing the government can do as well, if not better than the private sector is a sex scandal.

The plan itself, like my previous one, is fairly simple.  It just requires government interference in the private sector, which seems like something they are willing to do.  For years I’ve complained that the federal government does not generate any revenue.  Yes, the Post Office had its first profitable quater in forever last year, but I’m talking about real revenue.  We’re spending trillions, let’s at least generate billions.  Earlier this year, the porn industry petitioned for some of that original bailout money, which had they been awarded any, would certainly open the door to a federal government takeover of the entire adult industry (like they are trying to do with banks, and the auto industry).

Now, with the federal government in charge of porn, we can really start chipping away at that deficit.  I’ll be the first one to agree that our elected officials know very little about banking and auto manufacturing.  But porn — that’s right in their proverbial wheelhouse.  And to make it an even more comfortable transition for them, they could set up committees representing different porn genres, with chairpeople and everything.  For example:

The Oral Sex/Foreign Object Czar:  Former President, William Jefferson Clinton

Girl on Girl:  Sec’y of State, Hillary Rodham Clinton

Glory Hole Desires:  Senator Larry Craig of Idaho

All-Male Anal:  Former New Jersey Governor James McGreevey

Straight Sex/Prostitues:  Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer  co-chair
Senator David Vitter of Louisiana co-chair

Phone Sex/Texting: Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick of Detroit

Young Teen/Kiddie Porn: Former Governor Neil Goldschmidt of Oregon

Cheaters & Beaters: Kentucky Governor Paul Patton

Snuff Porn: Congressman Gary Condit of California

Each committee will be chock full of the seediest gentlemen and ladies to ever win elected office. Finally they will be able to speak about a subject with firsthand knowledge and experience. They might not make us proud, but maybe the market would rebound.

Our Government and the Adult Industry: Perfect Together!!

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