A Soupy Guide: How You Can Tell If Something Is Going To Suck


Don’t you wish you knew how something was going to go before you spent your valuable time on it? Who wouldn’t. I put together the following list to provide some simple cues that will help you determine if certain activities are worth your precious time.

Rental Video- If , while browsing through the NEW RELEASES at Blockbuster, or setting your queue with Netflix, you encounter a movie featuring three or four big name stars, but you’ve never heard of the film before, put it down immediately. It will suck. This is as close to a “sure thing” as it gets.

An Impressionist- No, not like Monet. I’m talking about a guy (or gal) who does impressions of other people. If the impressionist begins every one by saying the name of the person he is impersonating (i.e. Hey, I’m Jack Nicholson… or This is Howard Cossell ), it will surely suck. My advice to you is change the channel or, if you are watching it live, get up and leave the club right away. Don’t worry about his feelings, save yourself.

A Date- When you pick up a woman for a date, pay careful attention to her keychain. If there is a whistle on it, you know she is a prude and your date will most likely suck—or at least end early.

An Order of General Tso’s Chicken – If on the way into a Chinese restaurant, you noticed a conspicuous absence of cats by the dumpster, don’t even go inside. Get back in your car, go home, and order a pizza. Your stomach will thank you for it.

A Party- You are going to a boring party if in the invitation the end time is listed as “whenever.” That is actually code for two hours after the start time. And you’ll want to leave before that.

A Conversation- If your wife, girlfriend, or life partner begins a conversation with you just as you start to fall asleep at night, or as you are walking out the door to work in the morning, plan on a very sucky 45 minute or longer conversation.

A Porno Movie- If you pop in the DVD and you notice only men’s names in the opening credits. (That idiot at Adult World must have put the wrong disc in the case… AGAIN)

A Broadway Show- You are walking into the theater and you notice Pia Zadora’s name on the marquee. Prepare for suckiness, unless of course it’s the theatrical adaptation of the film where she was raped by a garden hose, but then I’ve always been a sucker for a stage comedy.

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2 Responses to “A Soupy Guide: How You Can Tell If Something Is Going To Suck”

  1. Night class – The professor begins with, “We will not be taking a break tonight as we have a lot to cover.”

    Horse racing – Guy in line at the window in front of you says really loud “Man I really love the 2 horse” and you like the 2 horse.

    Weatherman – “It’s going to be a gorgeous weekend.”

    Customs Toll booth line – You inadvertantly get behind a van and smoke comes out the windows when they open it.

    Ok I’ll stop now.

  2. Funny stuff. When am I going to learn to submit my list entries to you first, then publish it. You always come up with some good ones. The first three have definitely happened to me, and what proceeded sucked.