Tee Shirt Soup

This is a story about a girl I dated in elementary school. Maybe “dated” isn’t exactly the right word. We “went out” with each other, which when you’re 13 in suburban Philadelphia in 1982 meant that you publicly professed your “like” for one another, got achingly jealous if you saw her talking to another boy, and it was certainly understood that you would rate each other a “10″ whenever a list of classmates got passed around for you to judge everyone’s appearances. At least that’s what would have happened. But she wasn’t in my class. She was actually in the 6th grade.

I remember the last time one of my parents hit me (looking back, it may have actually been both of them), and I was a lot older than you would probably think.  I don’t say that to criticize my mom and dad — no, I definitely had it coming.  It’s just that most people would [...]

Travel back with me to those awkward years spent in elementary school.  Now imagine having the ability to google the things you heard the popular kids talking about… before you tried to chime in.  Imagine not having that feeling in your stomach that everyone but you was in on a secret. Sure, you would want [...]

  “Alaskan Thunderfuck.”  I just liked saying it. AlaskanThunderfuckAlaskanThunderfuckAlaskanThunderfuckAlaskan… you get the point.  Thunderfuck is one of those words that just has a ring to it… like shitdick or douchebag.  But it’s even better because you can smoke it. Just don’t drink Rumple Minze right after. Dateline 1992.  My upper body was typically ensconced in flannel, my lower body in [...]

I’m one of those people who is always seeking approval.  I get that from my parents.  Wait, that sounded like I get approval from my parents; I meant I inherited my need for approval from them.  It’s part of the reason I write this blog, and it’s a big part of the reason I cry [...]

TRUST ME.  Scroll down and read the story before you click on the link below.  It is vital that you understand exactly how serious I was at the time.  When you do click the link, a new window will open.  In that window, you should see a blue button that says ‘Download Now.’  Below that [...]

My truck, a nine year old Ford Explorer, was stocked with all the empty plastic bags I would need and half a box of latex gloves.  I snuck out the back door of my office, off to the park for my latest lunch ritual. I guess I should mention that it is late summer 2002.  [...]

It’s autumn 1989. How did you get here? You guessed it Soupy’s Time Machine. I think this one reads better backwards. If you disagree, think how bad it would have been the other way. October 19. 10:32 AM I exited my parents’ house through the garage. Joe was at the miter-saw still cutting trim for [...]

So Prime Minister Gordon Brown of England makes the TransAtlantic journey to Washington, gifts in tow. By now, I am sure you’ve all read how he presented President Obama with a handsome pen holder fashioned from the HMS Gannet, a navy vessel that served on anti-slavery missions off Africa; the framed commission for HMS Resolute, [...]

It was 1991.  Shows like Cheers, Roseanne, and Murphy Brown were destination TV, but none had as big an influence on my personal appearance as Beverly Hills 90210. 90210, as I affectionately referred to it, was in its second season, my sideburns were in their first. I was working as a waiter (or wasting my [...]

I guess I’ll do just about anything to not put tee shirts up on this site. Climb on board my Reality Bus Tour. See the spot where I lit my sweater on fire. Travel to my high school, and I’ll show you where I was going to hang up my campaign posters. We’ll drive past [...]

Please indulge your humble narrator with another trip on Soupy’s Time Machine. Set a course for the prehistoric year of 1975. Shirts with horizontal stripes and pants with vertical stripes were worn together with reckless abandon, and yours truly was no exception. It was probably late spring, I know I was still in school — [...]

I’ve just been having a lot of fun tooling around in my time machine, going back to my youth and taking some actual events and framing them in a more literary way. Well, I decided to go back to the summer of 1979. Well, one day of it anyway. Bill Hill was the type of [...]

This time I’m absolutely positive of the year. 1985 — spring to be precise, and my high school, my class more accurately, was in the throes of a heated student council presidential/vice presidential election. Outwardly, I was unaffected by the whole dog-and-pony show, unmoved by the speeches echoing through the school’s faux marble hallways, and [...]

SUBTITLE: On Fire With The Ladies Based on actual events. In fact, nothing has been changed, and no one has been protected. It was 1988 or ’89, I don’t remember which, but I know I was close to donning flannel shirts, baggy shorts, and socks with my sandals. But not yet. As it was, I [...]