It is so clear to me now.

Just like when I had that epiphany on Easter Sunday that Rolling Rock is a Christian beer.

Originally, I thought that Jersey Shore was just the latest pop-culture phenomenon/freakshow housing a bunch of different personalities and egos under one roof for the viewer’s pleasure.  And we could only sit, like an emperor in front of our television, and offer a ceremonial “thumbs up” or “thumbs down.”  We had no real power.  I mean, it’s not like we could vote people out of the house.  Little did I know how wrong I was.

The next thought that occured to me was that MTV’s producers were gonna simply keep moving the “cast” from beach town to beach town in an effort to lower property values along the New Jersey coast, so they (the producers) could sweep in and scoop up some beach houses on the cheap.  I’m not convinced this isn’t at least a little true, but then they went to Miami.

Well played.

Then “The Situation” appeared on Dancing With The Stars.  And then we learned that he was due to make $5 million in 2010.  And $11 million in 2011.

And as I was watching the first three episodes of he new season, and the cast returned to the now-famous Seaside Heights house in a BMW. Mercedes, Escalade, and Range Rover, it hit me.  This season is the payoff.  And it’s fucking genius.  Sure, we love laughing at people behind their backs or on our television set.  It’s as American as focus groups.  But Jersey Shore has actually hit on something even more fundamental.

Our obsession with fame.

And here’s where I was wrong after the first season; we may not have gotten to vote people on or cast people off, but we were as complicit in what happened to the “characters” as they were.  Maybe moreso.

Now the real fun begins.

Now that we’ve let these “monsters” (and I really do mean that in a nice way.  Believe me I’d take this post down if Snooki followed me on Twitter.)  we’ve conceived suckle on the nipple of notoriety, let’s put them back in the little, three-beds-to-a-room shore house, force them to work at the tee shirt shop again, and see what happens.  Since putting people on a pedestal for the sole purpose of knocking them off of it has supplanted baseball as our national pasttime, this season should be the best received yet. 

Just as the producers intended.

I know there are still some TV Guide toting traditionalists who believe that being a celebrity should be reserved solely for the relatives of other celebrities.  To you I say, there’s always the new Joan and Melissa Rivers project.

Okay, I actually only saw about half of the first movie. That’s when I realized it was just a further example of the pussification of the American vampire, and walked out in protest. It wasn’t really much of a protest since I only walked out of my wife’s cousin’s living room, but the people there knew where I was coming from. Yet even in that first half of the DVD, I saw enough to know how this saga has to end.

Those of you who saw the movie will no doubt remember the scene, pretty early on, where a vehicle careens toward Bella in the school parking lot, and Edward manages to stop it with one hand and presumably loads of vampire strength (which is third only to old-man strength and retard strength).  This is the point where Bella starts suspecting there is something strange about Edward, and from there the whole bullshit vampire guy/regular girl love story springboards.

I contend that Edward was actually unable to stop the car.  If he even tried.  And Bella spent the rest of the first movie (book) as well as a slew of sequels lying in a coma at the local hospital.  Let’s face it, Edward is really just a brooding, pasty faced dickhead, but thanks to Bella’s coma induced dreams he has become a dashing vampire.  Yet even in her fantasy, she must have realized that Edward seemed to swing from the other side of the plate, so she created Jacob the Werewolf.  He would certainly tend to her more animalistic and instinctual needs, while Edward works on getting his hair just so.

She has to be in a coma and imagining all of this.  It’s the only thing that makes sense.  How else would you explain that she (A GIRL) would have any kind of chance with Edward?  Besides, I’m pretty sure that vampires and werewolves aren’t real.  And I’ve been to Seattle more than a few times, so I think I would know.

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It’s okay, I’m allowed to write that. I’m Italian.

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This past Sunday, after the Superbowl, Undercover Boss premiered with a 20.3/33 rating.  That means 33% of people didn’t change the channel after the game, and I honestly have no idea what the first number means, but it’s pretty good. 

Larry O’Donnell, President and COO of Waste Management, goes “under cover” in a variety of different menial roles throughout the company in the show’s first episode.  He meets all these hard-working, bucket-pissing, double-docked, employees with personal stories that are meant to stir our emotions.  And I guess we’re supposed to feel good about businessmen all of a sudden too, although I notice they didn’t feature AIG’s CEO in either of the first two episodes (for the record, I am typically pro-business and hate it when the government tries to tamper with the free market, I just know how preachy these shows can be).

Well Larry learns how hard everyone’s jobs are and the terrible conditions that some of his decisions have resulted in for the workers on the front lines, and he swore to do something about it, and all that other happy horseshit. 

Blah, blah, blah.

It reminded me of a managerial strategy I used to employ when I worked in fast-food, and auto rental in Phoenix.  I called it “Surprise, your boss speaks Spanish too!”  I’d wander around the facility until I would eventually overhear some disgruntled Latino workers complaining about their hours or their pay or maybe even their new boss.  Then I wait for one of them to say something especially incriminating, and I would just simply agree with him…  in Spanish.  The looks on their faces is priceless, and you’d be amazed how loyal they become after that. 

Good times.  Good times.

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Even I’m not safe from my microscope of sarcasm, cynicism, and truth.  I don’t really know what the hell’s the matter with me lately, my emotions are bubbling very close to the surface.  I think I actually may have cried at every episode of American Idol this year.  Movies and songs are “affecting me” more than ever.   I could make some manly excuse like I haven’t been getting alot of sleep lately, or I hit my thumb with a hammer, or got bit by a shark.  But that’s not it.

In the case of American Idol, the whole idea of someone putting everything on the line for their dream has really gotten to me this year.  Maybe my age has something to do with that, but I’ve been equally moved by their successes and failures.  As far as the movies and songs go, I suspect it’s some of the same; but there’s always been movies that have made me cry.  Hell, I’ve cried during an episode of Beverly Hills 90210 (no, not the “Donna Martin Graduates!” episode).

Why am I telling you all this?  Simple, so you believe me when I tell you something embarrassing about someone else.  And so I can present a countdown (just in time for the Oscars) of my top 5 tear-jerker movies, and the scenes that turn me into a girl.

5.  Dead Poets Society:  There are two scenes from this movie that get me.  The first is when Neil, played by Robert Sean Leonard kills himself in his father’s study.  There is dead silence in place of the gunshot, and the father wakes up suddenly, and you can see that he knows what happened.  The second scene is at the end **SPOILER ALERT** when Robin Williams is being unceremoniously led from the classroom, and previously timid Todd Anderson climbs onto his desk followed by the rest of the class.

4.  Rocky:  Yea, the first one.  **SPOILER ALERT**  At the end of the fight, and Rocky has gone the distance and he’s looking for Adrienne, and the song Going The Distance is playing.

3.  Forrest Gump:  When Forrest learns he has a son (played by Haley Joel Osment.  Incidentally, Pay It Forward could have easily made this list), and he asks Jenny if he’s smart or like him.

2.  Armageddon:  Two scenes here too.  Obviously **SPOILER ALERT** at the end when Bruce Willis sacrifices his life for Ben Affleck’s, but also when Will Patton’s character goes to see his son before they go into space and the boy’s mother tells his son that Will is just a stranger.  Then the next day, he sees Will on TV getting ready to board the space shuttle, and he tells his mom that stranger is on TV.  Between sobs, I scream at the TV, “That’s your dad.”

1.  Field Of Dreams:  Two scenes back to back.  First when Ray’s daughter falls off the stands choking on a hot dog, and Dr. Moonlight Graham crosses over the line of rocks (becoming an old man again) to save her life, and Ray realizes that Moonlight can’t go back.  And then, of course, the **SPOILER ALERT**  “Hey… Dad… do you wanna have a catch?” scene.

That’s my list.  I know I left some out.  Comment below with yours, or Facebook users can go here to post your list.  I will even tell you which episode of BH 90210 illicited my tears to ensure that I’m in no position to make fun of you. 

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I know I shouldn’t be giving this shit away for free, but I had a winning TV show idea that I just had to share. 

It’s about a bartender. Maybe he’s the best bartender in town or maybe he just knows in his heart that he’s been chosen for something special.  Something big.  Bigger than a bartender even.  Fame?  So he hires a film crew to follow him around and document his every move (especially at work); his rise to stardom if you will.

Maybe he shares a knowing look at the camera if someone says something stupid.  And there will definitely be times when his co-workers and regular bar patrons are interviewed by the camera crew. 

Now for the twist, the protagonist isn’t really destined for greatness at all.  And everyone seems to know it but him.  In fact he is kind of a pathetic character — a joke even.

I think I can sell it to the ‘People who brought you The Office and Parks ‘n Rec.’  I’ll call it The Bar or Happy Hour or something cool like that.

P.S.  If you think I picked the picture of Isaac from The Love Boat just because it’s Black History Month, I resent how well you know me. 

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In the wake of Mackenzie Phillips’ claims of consensual incest with her father, David Hasselhoff (Don’t Hassel the Hoff) decided to bring his 17 year old daughter to the local (and very trendy) Coco de Meraccording, a sex shoppe in West Hollywood. Let the speculation begin.

Maybe he was just too drunk to drive himself there. Maybe his daughter had questions about some of the “toys” mentioned in Phillips’ memoir, and hey, what beats a visual aid? Or perhaps the Hoff, in an attempt to stay relevant, decided (without the counsel of his agent, manager, publicist, et al) to jump on the “father-daughter incest bandwagon.” I’m actually more surprised he didn’t start killing dogs when everyone was talking about Michael Vick. After all, there’s no such thing as bad press, right?

And yes, I said ‘bandwagon.’ Who could forget this next pic?

As a frequent tanner, it’s pretty obvious that the Hulkster was just trying to protect the sensitive skin around his daughter’s anus. I mean, can you imagine how uncomfortable a burnt asshole would be, especially as your father is ramming his big, pro wrestler dick in it?

I forgot all about the incest scandal surrounding Morgan Freeman. His alleged 10 year affair with his granddaughter, which started when she was 17, not only broke up his 25 year marriage, but also led to the break-up with his long-time mistress. What happened to the Morgan Freeman from The Electric Company? By all accounts, he and his granddaughter are still together. Does that mean he wants to try his hand at directing?

For a more succinct, less rambling peek inside my head, follow me on Twitter. http://www.twitter.com/teeshirtsoup

Thanks,
Soupy

Revision: Okay, an actress, a late night talkshow sidekick, the King of Pop, an infomercial pitchman and a gay gameshow icon walk into a bar…

Paul Lynde is trying to dive into the celebrity death pool now? Give me a break! Please move my remaining chips to Wink Martindale immediately.

Haha, okay this is the point in the post when I decided to see how Paul Lynde died today, only to find out he died in 1982. Karl Malden is the one who actually died (he died of being 97. He, unlike Farrah and Paul Lynde, did not give up the balloon knot to Steve Austin). I must have misheard it, but fuck Karl Malden anyway (and keep my chips on Wink Martindale). At this point Heath Ledger would have to come back from the dead and then die again to unseat Michael.

The funny thing is I just had a conversation with someone about Paul Lynde dying and she was all like, “I know.”

PS  I’ll revise the joke again later.

PPS  I have fired my entire research department.

An actress, a late-night talkshow sidekick, and the King of Pop are standing outside the Pearly Gates.

ACTRESS: I was an original Angel, so I get in automatically, right?
The KOP: Where do you keep the children? I love children.
The LNTS: (bellows) Ho ho! He loves children! Hey-oh!
ACTRESS: My ass still hurts. Should my ass still hurt?

One of the first things they should tell you when you become famous is to never die on the same day as someone more famous than you. Well Farrah Fawcett now joins the list of celebrities who should have known better.

John Adams and Thomas Jefferson both died on the Fourth of July in 1826. Jefferson got the nickel and a brief run on the ill-conceived two dollar-bill. Adams got a mini-series (albeit Award-winning) 180 years later. At least he didn’t get a “I died on the same day as Thomas Jefferson and all I got was this stupid tee shirt” from TeeShirtSoup.com

I’m sure Frederico Fellini had some peculiar mental images of what the day he died would be like. I wonder if he imagined all the press going to the shocking death of River Phoenix.

Then two equally famous authors, C.S. Lewis and Aldous Huxley had the misfortue of dying the same day that JFK’s head went famously back and to the left. Camelot got a lot more press than Narnia or the Brave New World that day. Hell, they just got around to making the Lion, Witch and Wardrobe movies a couple years ago.

Poor Farrah. Everyone will be talking about Jacko for days to come, and he even seemed to go in a much more comfortable manner. I’ll take cardiac arrest over anal cancer any day, of course I would also never give my balloon knot to the Six Million Dollar Man either.

Farrah, Michael – RIP