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A Tale

A Tale

I used to love getting letters when I was a kid.  I loved getting any kind of mail actually, and since I shared my father’s name, I got some pretty interesting shit — especially the magazines in the plain brown wrappers. But I digress. Even as a child, I recognized the following line in a letter [...]

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A Letter From God

A Letter From God

  Dear People of Earth, Sorry, I’m not sure what else to call you; and “humans” or “mortals” sounds so condescending.  I chose this forum to contact you because, contrary to popular belief, I am not comfortable speaking to large groups, and there are a couple items I really feel like I need to address.  The [...]

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More with Emo Hitler

More with Emo Hitler

A fun-fact follow-up with the brooding, petulant dictator (previous visit with him here) : When no one’s around, Emo Hitler likes to stand before a full length mirror and “tuck” Emo Hitler was bottle fed even though his mother’s milkshake brought all the blond-haired blue-eyed boys to the yard. Emo Hitler says “Love me or hate me, [...]

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Continuing To Create Offensive Material So You Don’t Have To

Continuing To Create Offensive Material So You Don’t Have To

Much like Jesus Christ himself, on this Holy Thursday/Good Friday Eve, I will sacrifice myself for the salvation of my readers.  I’ll take the hit on this one, and spend eternity surrounded by fire and brimstone, so that you all may be reborn in Heaven.  Unless you can go to hell for laughing…  then you’re all [...]

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Bad Tattoos

Bad Tattoos

Whether for poor quality, questionable location, or just ridiculous subject matter, these tattoos struck a chord with me after what my wife referred to as “hours of research.”  Tattoos are tee shirts for your skin, after all. I couldn’t have said it better myself. You are AWSOME! “Remember team, there is no “WE” in AWSOME!” I [...]

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What’s In A Name?

Would a rose by any other name not still flash its beav’ when exiting a limousine or falling off a barstool? It has recently come to my attention that one of the morning news shows, which shall remain nameless (possible litigation pending), used the word ‘soupy’ to describe the day’s weather.  And it was not [...]

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Yes, I’m Still Beating That Dead Horse

Why are there no Winter Special Olympics? Why, every four years, does Bob Costas not come on my TV and welcome me to the Winter Games of the 25th Special Olympiad? Am I the only one who wants to see Special Pairs Skating, or hear a Special Olympian screaming his way down the luge course? I [...]

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Merry Life Day

Welcome to the 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special. I only put an excerpt because quite frankly I want you to come back. I think I discovered who is responsible for the whole “Political Correctness” movement– it’s George Lucas. I’m just not sure if he was using Star Wars as a vehicle to push his “non-offensive” [...]

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More Bits & Pieces

It’s time to clean up my notebook again.  Here’s more ideas that I couldn’t justify spending a whole post on: Is there anyone more arrogant than Barry Manilow?  Excluding tree surgeons of course.  These are his words:  I write the songs that make the whole world sing.  (Do ya?)  I am music… (Are ya?) Okay, I’m [...]

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The First Thanksgiving

Today, on a very special post at TeeShirtSoup.com, I present to you my slight re-imagining of the traditional tale of the first Thanksgiving.  I don’t want to appear too presumptuous, but I think this one is a little more compatible with the world we live in today.  I hope you will read it to your children [...]

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Bits & Pieces

Here’s an excerpt from an interview I did with Nicole Kidman (yea, that Nicole Kidman). She is really making the rounds promoting that Australia movie. TSS: Ms. Kidman. Can I ask you a couple questions for TeeShirtSoup.com? NK:  (Not looking, gets into a car.) TSS: Ms. Kidman… Nicole… Mrs Urb… Shit. Oh well, I guess [...]

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More Pet Peeves

Here is another installment of stuff that doesn’t quite piss me off, but at least gets under my skin.  Again, they are in no particular order. 1.  Tattoos on women’s breasts.  Perhaps the only thing more disgusting than an eighty year old tit is an eighty year old tit with an illegible tattoo on it. [...]

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Relationship Thursday II – 11/20/08

Well, it’s Thursday again and time for me to save your marriage or get you married or whatever.  Again I am going to elicit the help of some YouTube relationship experts.  They’ll be discussing how to approach her/him, big steps like saying “I love you” for the first time, how to surprise her on live [...]

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That’s Right, I Called Out Tree Surgeons

As much as I like commenting on all the things people are talking about, I also enjoy bringing things out into the light that no one seems to be talking about.  This is something I’ve always wondered about:  Is Dutch Elm Disease like the Lou Gehrig’s Disease for trees? (Today… Today… Today, I… I… I  [...]

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Today In History – Girl You Know It’s True

Well, yesterday was the 30th anniversary of Jonestown.  It’s amazing to think that a term like “drinking the Kool-Aid” which is used so often refers to the weapon that killed over 900 people.  It’s also amazing to see how history can be rewritten seemingly unnoticed.  Most people would describe Jim Jones as a Christian wacko, [...]

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