Tee Shirt Soup

I heard a commercial for a new male enhancement product during today’s morning commute.  It’s name, Hero Tabs, was presumably the idea of a “Rah Rah HR guy.” Be a hero!  Please your lady everytime.  Just not in the workplace. Anyway, according to this commercial (which I wish I could find for you guys, but here’s [...]

  ALTERNATE TITLE:  The Sound And The Fury, Book 2 Nestled in the bosom of Pennsylvania, lies Knoebels — an old fashioned amusement park and campground that was described to me as quaint and “cheap as hell.”  I was all in, and so was my sister and her family and our friends and their children. [...]

The banjo music that I heard was either off in the distance or in my head. And it weren’t no Roy Clark ner Buck Owens good-time Hee Haw banjo pickin’ neither (no Misty Rowe or Gunilla Hutton sittin’ on bales of hay slapping their knees to the tune).  No, it was a haunting, uneasy kind of [...]

I had a dream last night that my big toe was very upset with me because he didn’t have a name. “You mean like my penis’ name is Reginald Johnson?” I asked. “No, Shit-for-brains,” he shot back, “like your fingers have names.  Thumb, pinky, index finger, the bird.  Get it?” “Oh.” Awkward silence. “Well just so you [...]

When I was a kid the future was filled with visions of jet-packs, flying cars, powdered meals, and a slick streamline wardrobe.  These inventions were supposed to make our lives easier, reward us for being alive during such an exciting time, and just plain make us look cool.  Of the four, only powdered meals has made it to [...]

I woke up this morning to find that my neck had literally overtaken my chin.  Or vice versa; I’m not sure which, but for either it was surely a pyrrhic victory.   My bathroom mirror confirmed my tragic case of facial cankles, I guess you would call it a “check” (chin + neck, oh nevermind).  Or [...]

In an effort to post new material daily, yet still provide the same pulitzer-caliber quality you’ve grown used to, I am introducing a new recurring feature to the page. Basically, when I run out of shit to write, I will post a picture (or a video like last post) and ask you guys to flex [...]

Just a quick burst of micro-fiction that I wrote a few years ago.  Enjoy. DEATH IN LA “What do you mean he’s dead?” “Go see for yourself.  I went up to see if he wanted something from Jamba Juice, and he was just…  dead.” “Dead?  Mike’s Dead?!” said Neil, one of Mike’s two roommates, standing [...]

For decades the tee shirt has told people where we’ve been. Concerts. Vacation spots. Historical events. They have proven a powerful advertiser and marketing tool. Hell, tee shirts have even chronicled the places we haven’t been (MY PARENTS VISITED THE SAN DIEGO ZOO AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY TEE SHIRT). Wait. Is this [...]

I hate that there are parts of my body that know it’s going to rain before I even see the five-day forecast. It makes me feel old; old and weak; old, weak, and mortal. Ironically, if I had discovered this ability when I was eight, I probably would have thought I was a superhero. I [...]

  Okay, I actually only saw about half of the first movie. That’s when I realized it was just a further example of the pussification of the American vampire, and walked out in protest. It wasn’t really much of a protest since I only walked out of my wife’s cousin’s living room, but the people [...]

Ever wonder what goes through the mind of a crazed dictator like Adolf Hitler? Me either, but Emo Hitler sounds interesting as hell.  Here’s his quick fact sheet: Emo Hitler has a ‘KEEP OUT… unless you have big boobs’ sign on his bedroom door. Emo Hitler just wants his parents’ attention. Emo Hitler is wondering, [...]

I’ll be the first one to admit that I don’t know much about cars, but I am a certified expert at finding inconsequential things to get worked up about. I passed a new Acura TL in a parking lot and couldn’t help wondering, “What the fuck are you smiling at, Herbie?”  I can’t remember ever [...]

I haven’t been in a supermarket — for more than a few gallons of milk — in at least two months.  And it’s probably been longer than that since I was “full-fledged” grocery shopping on a weekend.  Well, until today. Okay, so what the hell is the deal with the obtrusive cardboard displays full of product littering every [...]

  You’re at a bar with a bunch of friends.  One of them points to a girl and says I’d like to give her a Cinncinati Bowtie.  The group erupts in laughter.  You can make out your own laugh even though you have no fucking idea what your buddy is talking about.  Or worse, your buddies [...]