Archive | April, 2010
Conspiracy Theory Friday:  Cut. It. Out.

Conspiracy Theory Friday: Cut. It. Out.

I’m not sure if this one is technically a conspiracy, an urban legend, or just a heavily guarded secret.  Either way, Larry David couldn’t get to the bottom of it, and I think it’s time we just let it go. I’m talking of course about the rumor that Alanis Morissette’s You Oughta Know  is about [...]

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Footsteps With My Father

Footsteps With My Father

ME: I want to be a teacher when I get older. MY DAD: Sounds great, if you want to sell shoes in the mall during the summer?  ME: I believe I was 10 or 11 when my father dropped that one on me. Much to his dismay I was unfazed by it; at my age [...]

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A Letter From God

A Letter From God

  Dear People of Earth, Sorry, I’m not sure what else to call you; and “humans” or “mortals” sounds so condescending.  I chose this forum to contact you because, contrary to popular belief, I am not comfortable speaking to large groups, and there are a couple items I really feel like I need to address.  The [...]

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Comment Challenge V

Comment Challenge V

Even though it’s just another Caption Challenge, I still like to stay topical.  (But why do they all seem to revolve around asses?) Sorry, no headstart this time. Hard to believe Ben would be hanging out at a college bar with all that waiting at home. Big Ben, meet Big Bertha. “I, the Honorable Luke [...]

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Comment Challenge IV

Comment Challenge IV

Now that Brian has finally weighed in on Caption Challenge III, I can post this little leftover I had from my Bad Tattoos post from a month ago: This time I’m giving you guys a 6 hour headstart.  But if there’s anything left to say after 7:00 PM EDT, I’ll mop it up.  Have fun and Happy [...]

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Flash… A-Aah…  Savior Of The Universe!

Flash… A-Aah… Savior Of The Universe!

We’ve certainly had our share of problems with flash mobs during the first few months of this year here in Philadelphia.  I’m not talking about groups of people who show up at a train station (thanks to a mass email, text, tweet, facebook status update, or whatever they do on myspace), and break into an [...]

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Comment Challenge III

Comment Challenge III

I’m assuming that most of the comments I will see on this one will be along the same general theme. This time I’m challenging you to come up with the funniest, most obscure caption. In the meantime, I’ll do a little cherry-picking: “I met an altar boy in Africa whose penis was this big!” “I [...]

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More with Emo Hitler

More with Emo Hitler

A fun-fact follow-up with the brooding, petulant dictator (previous visit with him here) : When no one’s around, Emo Hitler likes to stand before a full length mirror and “tuck” Emo Hitler was bottle fed even though his mother’s milkshake brought all the blond-haired blue-eyed boys to the yard. Emo Hitler says “Love me or hate me, [...]

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Comment Challenge II

Comment Challenge II

You know the drill. I know you guys are funny, so let’s see what you got. As usual, I’ll take the easy ones: (a child’s voice) :  Dad!  Daad!  Excuse me lady, have you seen my dad? I always thought if I was going to eat a person, I would start at the feet.  But I [...]

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The Metamorphosis

The Metamorphosis

I woke up this morning to find that my neck had literally overtaken my chin.  Or vice versa; I’m not sure which, but for either it was surely a pyrrhic victory.   My bathroom mirror confirmed my tragic case of facial cankles, I guess you would call it a “check” (chin + neck, oh nevermind).  Or [...]

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Comment Challenge I

Comment Challenge I

In an effort to post new material daily, yet still provide the same pulitzer-caliber quality you’ve grown used to, I am introducing a new recurring feature to the page. Basically, when I run out of shit to write, I will post a picture (or a video like last post) and ask you guys to flex [...]

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Funniest Comment Contest

We all know I’m funny, but what about you guys. Here’s your chance to shine. There’s no prize or anything. I just want to see who can come up with the funniest comment on this video here: I’ll get the comment ball rolling: Forget the banana, this kid’s gonna be singing into penises inside of [...]

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From Soupy’s Library

From Soupy’s Library

Just a quick burst of micro-fiction that I wrote a few years ago.  Enjoy. DEATH IN LA “What do you mean he’s dead?” “Go see for yourself.  I went up to see if he wanted something from Jamba Juice, and he was just…  dead.” “Dead?  Mike’s Dead?!” said Neil, one of Mike’s two roommates, standing [...]

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Continuing To Create Offensive Material So You Don’t Have To

Continuing To Create Offensive Material So You Don’t Have To

Much like Jesus Christ himself, on this Holy Thursday/Good Friday Eve, I will sacrifice myself for the salvation of my readers.  I’ll take the hit on this one, and spend eternity surrounded by fire and brimstone, so that you all may be reborn in Heaven.  Unless you can go to hell for laughing…  then you’re all [...]

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