Archive | March, 2010
The Traveller’s Tee

The Traveller’s Tee

For decades the tee shirt has told people where we’ve been. Concerts. Vacation spots. Historical events. They have proven a powerful advertiser and marketing tool. Hell, tee shirts have even chronicled the places we haven’t been (MY PARENTS VISITED THE SAN DIEGO ZOO AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY TEE SHIRT). Wait. Is this [...]

Read more
Bad Tattoos

Bad Tattoos

Whether for poor quality, questionable location, or just ridiculous subject matter, these tattoos struck a chord with me after what my wife referred to as “hours of research.”  Tattoos are tee shirts for your skin, after all. I couldn’t have said it better myself. You are AWSOME! “Remember team, there is no “WE” in AWSOME!” I [...]

Read more
I’m An Excellent Driver

I’m An Excellent Driver

I hate that there are parts of my body that know it’s going to rain before I even see the five-day forecast. It makes me feel old; old and weak; old, weak, and mortal. Ironically, if I had discovered this ability when I was eight, I probably would have thought I was a superhero. I [...]

Read more

What’s In A Name?

Would a rose by any other name not still flash its beav’ when exiting a limousine or falling off a barstool? It has recently come to my attention that one of the morning news shows, which shall remain nameless (possible litigation pending), used the word ‘soupy’ to describe the day’s weather.  And it was not [...]

Read more

To All My Bitches Out There

Man, I hope every guy in that band’s dick fell off after they recorded that video. My penis hurt just watching it, and I could care less if the lead singer gets his boyfriend back or not.   But that’s not why I posted it here. For some reason that song was stuck in my head [...]

Read more

You Suck At Being A Store

  Dear Whole Foods, You suck at being a store.  You don’t stock half of the things I need, ensuring that I will have to make yet another stop on my way home.  The stuff you do carry seems to have been arranged by baboons with Asperger Syndrome who, incidentally forgot to tell any of your employees where [...]

Read more

You’ve Got Potential

As someone who’s always counted his chickens before they’ve hatched, I decided it would be smarter to start selling eggs. The days of starting a business, and growing it into something that will support you and your family are over.  That’s the way your father did it, or your grandfather (or immigrants); they worked hard and were compensated [...]

Read more

Twilight Spoiler

  Okay, I actually only saw about half of the first movie. That’s when I realized it was just a further example of the pussification of the American vampire, and walked out in protest. It wasn’t really much of a protest since I only walked out of my wife’s cousin’s living room, but the people [...]

Read more
Emo Hitler…

Emo Hitler…

Ever wonder what goes through the mind of a crazed dictator like Adolf Hitler? Me either, but Emo Hitler sounds interesting as hell.  Here’s his quick fact sheet: Emo Hitler has a ‘KEEP OUT… unless you have big boobs’ sign on his bedroom door. Emo Hitler just wants his parents’ attention. Emo Hitler is wondering, [...]

Read more

Those Who Can, Teach

With spring right around the corner, and the kids itching to get out and play, I am thankful for all of the Youth Sports options available today.  But I fear that the coaches, despite their best efforts, have a difficult time competing with the highlight reels on ESPN, when trying to teach our kids “the [...]

Read more