Archive | May, 2009

Just A Quickie (I was gonna say higher, but ‘uh)

A SLIGHT CASE OF PROGERIA Take the bull by the balls Aging way too fast Summers promised Outnumbered by summers past The horizon is nearer now It provides no comfort Long flat lines never have.

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Don’t Push Me ‘Cause I’m Close To The Edge

I’m not a motivational speaker.  I’m certainly no life coach.  I’m not particularly observant or sensitive to the human condition.  I’ve just made my share of bad decisions in my life, and I think I at least have a partial answer to the question, “Why?” It’s all about pace.  We all have an internal clock [...]

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Just Another Soupy Public Service

Ten signs that the guy down the block is a child molester: 10. He’s the first one at the school bus stop EVERY morning, and he doesn’t have any kids. 9. He starts every conversation with, “While I was molesting this kid last night…” 8. Everytime you run into him at the park he shows [...]

Read more Has Its Own Page On Facebook

If you find yourself tooling around Facebook (bored out of your mind) check out the page. Yea, I post links to the same shit you already read here, but there’s other stuff too, like random videos, pictures, updates.  Whatever, don’t check it out, I don’t care.

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A Quick Little Sneaker Commercial

I swear, I don’t know why I don’t work in advertising. I’m a regular Darren Stevens (but which one?). Here’s a commercial for New Balance running shoes that they will probably never use: ANNOUNCER: … the synthetic/mesh upper offers an unbeatable combination of breathability and support while the ABZORB SBS cushioning absorbs shock on impact. [...]

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Idol Finale, Finally

The American Idol final pairing has been set, and now the winner seems more obvious than ever.  Despite all of the AI producers’ and judges’ efforts to force us to see Adam Glam-bert as some sort of rock god rather than the Liza Minelli-esque diva we’ve watched prance around stage lo these many weeks (many, many [...]

Read more EXCLUSIVE: Second Pregnant Man Found!

I discovered a second pregnant man right in my own backyard.  Ironically, the first pregnant man (who is not really a man at all) runs a small tee shirt business with his wife.  Now this second pregnant man (who appears to be, for all intents and purposes, a man) chose to tell his story to [...]

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Another Myth Revealed: Cougars

I posed this question to my older female cousin and aunt last night at dinner while they were having a “cutesy” conversation about Cougars (the flirtatious barflies, not the mountain lion): Do you think the term Cougar is a compliment? They both nodded and said that it was, pointing to Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher [...]

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Aw Kige, I Feel Your Pain

Once I got past the sheer hilarity of the seriousness with which he imparts his advice, and the absurdity with which he throws, I was left with an empty feeling in my stomach. Kige doesn’t have anybody to throw to. He’s gotta turn off the camera, then go chase after the ball he just threw. [...]

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Time Flies When You’re… Dead (Da-Da-Dah)

1. Aaliyah 2. John Ritter 3. Gene Siskel 4. Princess Diana 5. Kurt Cobain 6. Lee Majors 7. Pope John Paul II I don’t know what happens when a famous person dies. Time seems to pass at the same pace for the rest of us trudging through our daily lives, yet for them time seems [...]

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My Top TV Theme Songs

I’m not stupid enough (okay maybe stupid enough, but not so full of myself) to think that people care what my top TV themes are.  I know that Tiger Beat magazine is not looking for more info on “yours truly,” and this post will help them cross yet another question off their list.  I think [...]

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