Tee Shirt Soup

When I was a kid the future was filled with visions of jet-packs, flying cars, powdered meals, and a slick streamline wardrobe.  These inventions were supposed to make our lives easier, reward us for being alive during such an exciting time, and just plain make us look cool.  Of the four, only powdered meals has made it to [...]

My Crystal Bowersnatch doll arrived today! Finally! But there was no harmonica. No guitar. Even her trademark teeth were hidden behind a coy, closed mouth smile. In all seriousness, my wife’s childhood doll needs a dolly ambulance to rush its ass to the dolly hospital. In the meantime, I’m going to offer it up as the [...]

Less than three years shy of the semi-centennial anniversary of his birth, Jamie Moyer’s arm seems to be defying the odds.  And it would appear in a preemptive strike against the inevitable steroid rumors, the Philadelphia Phillies have released the photo below apparently taken just after Jamie’s round of estrogen injections, and subsequent breast implant surgery. Please [...]

Foreigners are weird. They talk funny, they eat bizarre foods, and they smell bad. We know this; we’ve actually known this for some time. And anyone who’s ever watched European Gladiators is familiar with just how strange they can be as spectators at pseudo sporting events. So if a bunch of South Africans find a zero [...]

I used to love getting letters when I was a kid.  I loved getting any kind of mail actually, and since I shared my father’s name, I got some pretty interesting shit — especially the magazines in the plain brown wrappers. But I digress. Even as a child, I recognized the following line in a letter [...]

Don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t wince or complain that it hurts, don’t cry, and above all don’t spit that out. Congress has moved closer to repealing the 17 year old policy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” allowing gay and lesbian soldiers to act as gay and lesbionically as they want.  In a related story, the Senate will vote today to [...]

“Jesus Christ, I just changed that bulb three weeks ago!” was my father’s reaction to the loud *POP* that greeted him when he flipped on the kitchen light switch. I was quickly dispatched to the basement to find a replacement. My selection was really quite simple considering there were nothing but 100 watt bulbs in [...]

 This post is a special VIDEO Comment Challenge.  The “artist” disabled comments on the video’s YouTube page, so I thought I would move it over here.  A little backstory on video’s star:  Noah Ross toiled as an intern for  The Opie and Anthony Show where he worked day and night on his song, Jewlia, which he eventually retitled Julia [...]

I remember the last time one of my parents hit me (looking back, it may have actually been both of them), and I was a lot older than you would probably think.  I don’t say that to criticize my mom and dad — no, I definitely had it coming.  It’s just that most people would [...]

  I have, with little exception, been a staunch supporter of the much maligned Philadelphia sports fan.  I’ve never been able to fathom how our “passion” could be so misunderstood by a national audience.  And I viewed every questionably derogatory comment out of Tim McCarver’s mouth as a slap in our collective face. But our character can only be as strong as those [...]

Ah, the beauty of ADD. Sometimes my thoughts are all over the place; other times I lock onto something like a retarded pitbull. More oil slick chicks: “I don’t care if she finishes all our chores, Cinderella does not go to that ball!” “… and my good friend behind me, Farmer Arthur H. Hoggett, will [...]

Here she is, our nation’s response to the growing oil slick in the Gulf.  Have fun. Keep in mind she protects our right to do shit like this. And she is also a Rear Admiral. I know, I know. Okay, I’ll start: Steven Spielberg showed up at the premiere of HBO’s The Pacific in full military regalia, [...]

I’m not sure if this one is technically a conspiracy, an urban legend, or just a heavily guarded secret.  Either way, Larry David couldn’t get to the bottom of it, and I think it’s time we just let it go. I’m talking of course about the rumor that Alanis Morissette’s You Oughta Know  is about [...]

ME: I want to be a teacher when I get older. MY DAD: Sounds great, if you want to sell shoes in the mall during the summer?  ME: I believe I was 10 or 11 when my father dropped that one on me. Much to his dismay I was unfazed by it; at my age [...]

  Dear People of Earth, Sorry, I’m not sure what else to call you; and “humans” or “mortals” sounds so condescending.  I chose this forum to contact you because, contrary to popular belief, I am not comfortable speaking to large groups, and there are a couple items I really feel like I need to address.  The [...]